One out of many. Out of many, one.

There is nothing good we can say about cancer. At least, I haven't found any reason for myself to believe so. My whole world changed when we found out my mother had terminal cancer. Cancer is a disease you usually hear about on the news, in movies and in books, but it's not something you think you or someone close to you would suffer from. Obviously, we were wrong.

Many family members came to visit us in the hospital the day we found out. I'll never forget the faces when they looked at me. Many faces told me they were worried for us, especially me, since I am almost the youngest of all grandchildren. And I remember one face in particular: my cousin, who is like a sister to me. I was crouching because I was helping my mom put on her slippers. She entered the room and looked around to finally meet my eyes. We looked at each other, and without any expression or words, we said a lot to each other. Somehow, that was all the support I needed that evening.

In times like this, you find out who is there for you and those who aren't. Many people called me, texted me, or visited my mother regularly. And others who didn't. It's difficult not to hold a grudge against those who didn't call, text, or visit, especially since it is my mother who we are talking about. As you probably know by now, I was very protective of her. It takes time to let things like that go and not put too much energy into that. Because one thing we do not have a lot of, or certainly do not know how much we have left off, is time.

Going through an experience like this made me more aware of and grateful for time. Also, it scares me how we do not know how much time we have left. We always think that we are still young and have a long, healthy life ahead of us, but it is not guaranteed. And yes, I had been fixating more on the negative than the positive when it came to time. It made me uncertain, anxious, and fearful. It made me want to cherish every second of the day with my husband whenever we were together. Leaving little to no room for "me time" for us was quite suffocating for my husband. Even so, he didn't complain about it, not often anyway. It took me years to find a healthy balance between appreciating our time together and giving us enough space to have our "me times." Occasionally, I still go overboard by fixating too much on the now, but my husband helps me stay grounded and puts things into perspective. I've also grown to be more independent than before.

My mother and I had a conversation when she was ill that I'll never forget. In Hinduism/Indian culture, it is customary to perform rituals after someone has passed away. Depending on the family, the duration and traditions differ. Usually, a son, brother, husband, or father performs such rituals. In short, a male. However, my mother didn't have a father, husband, or son, only brothers. Coming back to our conversation, my mother mentioned that she and her oldest brother discussed that he would perform the rituals after she passed away. When I asked why she said she didn't want to burden me by forcing me to do it. Inside, I got angry and was insulted by this statement, but I remember I laughed and then explained that it would never be a burden for me. It was the last thing I could do for her after she was gone, so I told her that it was my duty as her daughter and an honor for me as a person. I promised her and performed all the last rites as any male would have. Talking about such matters, including when her sister asked her which clothes she would want to wear after passing away, was undeniably painful but necessary. It was one thing less to stress about knowing what my mother wanted because otherwise, I would have to guess. Guessing in such circumstances can make you stressed or regret your decisions afterward. Therefore, I encourage people to have these discussions, even when things are all well, because we never know when it will be necessary. It is as if we avoid these discussions because we are afraid, it hurts, and we would rather not talk about it, but it is an unpleasant fact, and it will happen. Not knowing something and needing to ask something but knowing you will never get an answer is worse because you are already devastated that you have lost a loved one.

Having your loved one be diagnosed with a terminal illness will teach you to appreciate the little things in life and not take things for granted. Now, I have to say that my mother was already truly living by those standards, but it became a reality for me as well. Again, it made me realize how fragile life is and that we do not have a say. Many still do not recognize how little time we have on earth amongst our loved ones. It's not like I don't take anything for granted because we all do. Also, after she passed, many people told me how much my mother meant to them. They told me she was a remarkable person and hadn't met anyone else like her. And I would always wonder whether they ever told her while she was still alive. It definitely meant something to me and made me happy, but what about her? She went through most of her life thinking she wasn't worth it and was not important enough. All of us have played our part in that because I know how I acted during puberty, but I also know how close family members treated her. Therefore, it has made me realize to tell my loved ones what they mean to me now and how happy they make me now—sending a text message more often, just because I can and want to. Please don't wait for someone to get sick, get into an accident, go away to another country, or pass away to let them or their relatives know what they mean to you.

Going back to the last months of my mother's life. Good things happened as well. Some of our family members became closer, especially after my mother passed away. It brought people back together somehow by creating conversations and new bonds. And most importantly to me, my mother got to see how many people loved her. She always felt inferior to others and counted herself as not necessary. Many were affected by her illness and knew that we might lose her. Some even took up sick days because it bothered them so much. It goes without saying that I never wished for anyone to feel this way, but it did show how important my mother was to others. She couldn't believe that it affected others and was touched by it. Even more beautiful, it wasn't only family members but also friends, colleagues, and people she worked for. And I believe she deserved all of it in her last days, given how much love and support she gave countless people.

To me, it was comforting knowing that that is how she passed on, loved by many. She was one out of many, and her last days brought a lot of people closer, so we became, out of many, one.