Psychosis. The Power of Imagination.

Garages and houses with its gardens. For the umpteenth time, I was staring outside our bedroom window. There was not much to see, the garages remained neatly in place, and nothing much happened in our neighbors’ gardens. But even so, I went and sat on our bed and stared outside for hours on end.

Suddenly I heard something behind me, and I looked back in shock. There was nothing to see. There really was nothing to see. Our bedroom door was open, but it was utterly black behind it, just like a black hole. There it was again! A scratching sound, as if someone was scratching on the wall with long, sharp nails. I recognized the sound and realized what it was. It was three times bigger than me, a big black robe with a creature inside it. Before I could do anything, it came flying towards me with inhuman speed, and I screamed out of fear!

“People say, seeing is believing. But what happens when your own eyes deceive you? Our mind can project images that are not there in reality, but they are projections of your own emotions and thoughts,” while reading this on the internet, I felt an urge, and I ran towards the mirror in our bathroom.

I was looking at myself, questioning whether I was looking at my face or someone else’s. Is this what I look like? How do I know for sure?

I immediately grabbed my phone and looked at pictures of myself. Once I saw the same face, I somewhat calmed down and sat down on the couch in the living room. How do I know what is real and what is not? I am almost a hundred percent sure that what I keep seeing, the awful demonic creature, is, in fact, real. But it doesn’t make sense, now does it? I am awake when I see it, but I also have very vivid nightmares. What is happening to me?

I struggled a lot with these thoughts when I couldn’t understand what was going on. I started having nightmares from a very young age because of everything I witnessed when I was little. My nightmares always have been quite vivid and sometimes made me doubt whether things were real or not. Unfortunately, I can remember many of them, and I still have nightmares regularly. But this was new because I kept seeing things while I was awake, and that’s terrifying. It made me feel unsafe in my own environment, but more importantly, it made me doubt myself. At first, it started by hearing voices saying negative things about me before I started seeing things.

I kept seeing this thing that looked nothing like a person or a human being, but it looked like something demonic or some sort of creature I did not know the form or origin of. It had long black hair or rather black strands that moved like a wave. Its body was black as well, and therefore I couldn’t see any physical features because it was pitch black even in daylight. Also, it had red glowing eyes, which were so terrifying I could barely look at it, and it wore some sort of black robe, and it was huge. But the feeling I got was worse. It made me feel so unhappy, as if all happiness got drained out of me, and the creature fed on my energy.

These “sightings” kept getting worse because I also started seeing them in broad daylight, even when I was with my husband at home. There was no difference between how real both looked, and it wasn’t like a shadow but an actual person standing in the same room as us. My nightmares increased and got worse because I started sleepwalking. Unfortunately, I started acting things out while I was sleepwalking. I used to have recurring nightmares of the demonic creature wanting to hurt me, slowly elevating my body, taking me somewhere else, and I couldn’t move. While in reality, I got out of bed and walked towards the door to go outside, or I started hurting myself. Luckily, my husband always woke up and knew how to calm me down, but I can’t imagine what that must have been like for him.

When I found out that I was sleepwalking and realized that what I saw wasn't real, I didn’t trust myself anymore. Or rather, I couldn't trust myself to know what was real or not real because I didn't. I didn’t want to go outside anymore, I didn’t trust anyone except my husband, and I couldn’t be with others. I was so afraid to stay alone at home because even though I knew it wasn’t real, it was terrifying to see and feel it. That feeling of not trusting yourself makes you feel lost. I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I felt like a different person or actually as if someone else had taken over my body. As if I lost control of the steer, and I was sitting in the passenger's seat of the car. I could see, feel, and hear everything, but I couldn’t do anything. I lost all hope, and I didn’t believe in myself anymore. I wasn’t able to look my husband in the eyes anymore because I was ashamed of myself. This situation continued without talking to my husband for days while I had an entire conversation with him in my head. My husband used to help me eat, drink, take a shower, put on clothes, and I grabbed his pinky finger when I was scared.

I felt entirely lost and incapable of taking care of myself. There was no energy and zest left. My husband took care of me in such a way a spouse should never have to. He did it without any reservations or complaints, and he did it with love and patience. Feeling loved and understood is what I needed more than ever from him because I didn't.