Self-Love. Recognization and Acknowledgment Before Acceptance.

Going through physical pain is different from emotional pain. Even so, they are more connected than we might think. Depending on your injury, your recovery period will be long or short. However, the duration in your mind might differ from your physical recovery. And that is something I thoroughly experienced after my middle toe was amputated. Because it has been over two years since I had my injury, I am still dealing with inevitable struggles in my mind. Be it confidence, self-image, self-love, self-appreciation, or acceptance of what happened. And if I have to be truly honest, I dealt with self-pity and self-sabotage as well.

I am pretty conscious about my body, appearance, and how I come across others. Even writing this already makes me aware of what to write or how to write it. I am an overthinker.

And unfortunately, I make many assumptions rather than sticking to facts. By knowing that people will read this, people who know me and others who don’t might have opinions about me and my experience. Going back to my injury, my mindset certainly didn’t help the mental recovery process. It took me a very long time to take the first step to walk barefoot in our house or the first time outside. I felt so exposed when I knew that my right foot was visible to others. I was almost continuously thinking about it or looking at my foot and then around me, trying to see whether people were looking at my foot.

One unfortunate thing I do is emotional eating. I tend to overeat when I am in distress or simply emotional. After my injury in 2019, I relied on food to help me with my sorrows entirely. Hence, I gained a lot of weight in a couple of years. My clothing size went up. Many clothes that used to fit me for many years now don’t fit me anymore. Instead of doing something about it, I avoided the mirror that showed me the whole body. I would definitely not want to see myself naked. That avoidance turned into resentment, which led to hating my body and myself for doing this to myself. And it became a vicious circle by binge eating my sorrows away and gaining more weight.

In May 2021, we went on holiday to Aruba. You can imagine how sunny it is over there and how hot it is. Not to mention the beautiful beaches they have. When I was packing my suitcase, I was on the verge of not taking my bathing suit and telling my husband that I somehow forgot to pack it once we had reached. Even though I love to swim, I was too afraid to walk around in my bathing suit. But I convinced myself not to leave my bathing suit behind because I’d regret it. The first day we walked on the beach, I wanted to swim so badly. We went to change in our hotel room, but I started to feel very insecure when looking at my body while wearing the bathing suit. I started coming up with excuses not to go and that my husband would swim alone while I’d stay on the beach. However, my urge to swim was greater than my insecure thoughts, and I mustered all my courage and went down to the beach. Still wearing my dress above my bathing suit, we made our way to the beach. I asked my husband to look for a secluded area to sit down at one of those huts. My mind went through a whole process of fighting with myself, convincing myself that no one was looking at me and no one cared. First, I took off my dress while looking around to see if no one was watching. Then I went to sit back down and tried to remove my sandals. Once I was ready to go into the water, I told my husband to stand up and start walking. I told him to keep walking in front of me and not look back because otherwise, I would stop and go back. In fact, I’d run back because I kept thinking that everyone was looking at me with disgust. “How does she have the audacity to wear a bathing suit and walk in front of us looking like a whale?” Yes, that was what I was thinking, but no one thought that except me. My husband was so patient and understanding. He did not once say that I was acting like a baby or being immature, but he supported me while I was going through that process.

Once I went into the water, I felt free. I enjoyed swimming every day our whole holiday, and sometimes even more than once a day. I am not saying that I wasn’t insecure anymore, but I wasn’t afraid to take off my dress and go into the water while walking in front of so many strangers.

Even walking around barefoot at the swimming pool and the bar didn’t bother me as much. I let go, and it was the best gift I had given myself that holiday.

Nonetheless, being on holiday is different than being in your known surroundings. I am still quite insecure and conscious about my body and my foot, but I am trying to deal with it by giving myself the room to accept what happened. I am focusing on my mental health and taking baby steps to become more active physically. It takes longer than expected or than I want, but I am getting there. Last summer, I was wearing sandals at my niece's first birthday party, which was probably the first time I did while surrounded by my family and other guests. My cousin then said that she hadn't seen me wearing sandals in such a big group before and added that she finds it very brave that I did. At first, I became a bit self-conscious about my foot, but it made me feel strong and acknowledged my courage.

This injury and losing my toe haven't been easy, as I dealt with insecurity, helplessness, self-pity, anger, and loss. I feel the loss every day physically because the moment I have any movement in my foot, I can feel the empty space where my toe used to be. As if my muscles are trying to reach my toe, but they can't. Therefore, it is a constant reminder of my injury. Also, I cannot always keep my balance if I were to stand on my right foot. The same goes for doing lunges or walking the stairs. And the doctors said that this will probably stay for always.

Sometimes I still rather avoid looking at my foot or feel tears fill my eyes when I look at it. Still, I also remind myself that people have it much worse. I cannot imagine what people go through after losing a whole foot, hand, leg, or arm or those born without limbs. It makes my loss seem so insignificant, but it really isn't. It only helps put things in a particular perspective to make it easier to accept the situation. I will always stand to not trivialize someone's pain by comparing it to others or what could have been because only you can understand what you feel or go through. But yes, it can sometimes help put things in perspective or deal with the situation, but it should be up to that person to see it that way on their own whenever they are ready for it.

And an important note, before you can accept anything, you must acknowledge that it is there, whatever it is.

Even though I have known for a while now, it is only recently that I admitted to myself that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. There is nothing wrong with being a foodie or enjoying food at another level. I eat when I’m bored, frustrated, angry, sad, or even happy. Still, it is not healthy to eat food to comfort yourself. There is no limit for me, but I keep going. No wonder I gain weight in short periods, right. Now, the right direction is not to stop eating or eating less immediately but to find out what emotions or situations trigger me to eat. Once I recognize that, I can try to teach myself to find other activities that fulfill me instead of reaching out to food.

There you have it. This is where I am at now in my life. Though still in a learning process, which will have ups and downs, but is no small feat to recognize and acknowledge my unhealthy relationship with food and negative self-body image.