Trauma by Abuse. Immense Impact.

Sometimes I feel that people severely underestimate what a child absorbs from their surroundings. It doesn’t matter that they cannot verbally understand someone, but they can sense the energy around them. This is why people in their immediate surroundings have the most significant impact on their behavior and perspective.

For example, my mother told me how attached I was to her before even talking. She said, sometimes you would follow me around the house. Or you would keep looking at your father and me when you were playing in the same room. It was as if you were looking or turning around to check up on something. Back then, I never really understood why you did that, but I just figured you were a curious child and didn’t think much of it. So, now that I look back at what my mother said, I’m pretty sure that I was looking out for my mother and that I didn’t trust my father.

Many books and articles discuss how children are traumatized when they witness domestic violence and abuse. In addition, many theorists out there have conducted experiments and tests to try to find out what happens to a child who is traumatized.

An article “The mental health of children who witness domestic violence” by Howard Meltzer, Lucy Doos, Panos Vostanis, Tamsin Ford, and Robert Goodman mentions the following about children who have witnessed domestic violence;

• “They can be fearful and inhibited and show more anxiety and depression than other children who have not witnessed domestic violence

• Show more behavioral problems or aggressive and antisocial behaviors

• Can react by exhibiting trauma symptoms and be at a higher risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder

• Or at least show evidence of behavioral or emotional disorders which are close to the criteria of post-traumatic stress disorder”.

Another article, “Children who witness domestic violence: The Invisible Victims” by Joy D. Osofsky, discusses how children from different age groups are affected by it. But they also discuss how parents are affected in their ability to parent. It mentioned that the relationship dynamic between a child and their parent could deeply be affected by such circumstances. Not to forget that the parent who is the victim of abuse is usually severely traumatized as well. For instance, a parent can be so fearful that they become overprotective. This article goes in-depth regarding several subjects and factors that influence and determine a child’s trauma and mental development. Therefore, I know that my mother’s fear was projected on me without her doing it on purpose. My mother certainly was overprotective, wanting to prevent anything terrible from happening to me. But this resulted in me not getting the chance to explore life on my own, not developing myself as much as I could have during my childhood and teenage years.

I came across a chilling but incredibly essay written by Danielle M. Stern, called ‘‘He Won’t Hurt Us Anymore’’: A Feminist Performance of Healing for Children Who Witness Domestic Violence. Even though her story hit “too close to home,” there were several moments when I read it in horror and was unable to imagine what she, her mother, and her brother went through. This essay discusses several subjects that explore different topics and what can happen to abused people or those who witness it. But it also discusses the matter of feminism and social structure in societies. Definitely worth a read, with many insights that might help look at it all from a different perspective. It also addresses specific issues that many women can identify with.

It is a fact that being a witness of abuse has affected me in many ways. When I read all these articles, there were so many topics and statements that I related to. Especially how I suffer from psychological problems, struggle with social dynamics, and was delayed developmentally. Trust issues, not having the ability or confidence to self-explore, having parental responsibilities by protecting my mother. So many times in my life have I suffered because of this trauma. Either it was preventing me or becoming an obstacle for me in a particular situation. Until now, I realize how much it’s affected me, my development, and my personality. It amazes me that we didn’t know before. I mean to a certain extent, we did, yes.

I also went through many years of therapy, both with my mother and individually. But I didn’t know, or rather acknowledge, the role it played in my life. Was it denial? Survivors instinct? Or both? I can’t say. It drastically changed the dynamic in the relationship I had with my mother. It set a path for us that neither of us would have wanted in the first place. We didn’t know we were dealing with a challenge since we only focused on the “obvious.” We never really analyzed the whole situation and how much it had affected us as mother and daughter and as individuals. We were both traumatized, that was a given, but we didn’t realize how deep it went. And most of all, how much it affected our future relationship with each other and others.

Sometimes it felt like me and my mother, were one soul in two bodies. We had a special connection, almost as if we could read each other’s minds. People say that a mother always knows what goes around inside their child’s head. I don’t know if that is true, but I do know that in our case, it went both ways. Obviously, we didn’t always know what went on inside each other’s heads, but we could feel, rather sense, what the other was thinking most of the time. Even though this was a beautiful and unique connection, which arose from trauma, it also had its downsides. There wasn’t always room to distinguish a mother from her daughter and the other way around in our relationship. There wasn’t a natural hierarchy between us, for lack of a better word. Therefore, we had many ups and downs, sometimes more downs than ups, in my upbringing.

But also, I suffered from many psychological issues, as mentioned before. I think most of my primary school teachers, if not all, would tell you that I was a lovely and bright child but a troubled one with loads of mood swings. Maybe they didn’t know that I was dealing with these challenges. However, they did know some of it after a few years. I came across a report written by my school’s counselor addressed to my parents. My teacher informed the counselor about a particular incident in her class regarding one of my drawings. Our teacher told us to draw something that intrigues us and present it in front of the whole class. I don’t have the drawing anymore, but I remember it. I had drawn a body that was lying on the ground, covered in its blood, while someone else was sitting on the couch, watching tv and holding a beverage. My teacher took me outside of the classroom and asked me what I had drawn and why. My teacher explained to the counselor that I wasn’t able to tell why I had drawn that, but that I did mention something about life and death and my parents. This is why the counselor immediately informed my parents about this and strongly advised them to get me professional help. I also had a consultation with my mother, my teacher, and the counselor. It was then when the school found out that my mother was a victim of domestic violence and that I had probably witnessed some of it. My mother told them that she and my father were already going to relationship counseling and went to a therapist when I was little. This specific occurrence at school happened when I was somewhere between 6 and 7 years old.

To this day, I am struggling with psychological disorders, and I am easily affected by certain situations. Some of it I am not even aware of until someone tells me or I read about it. During this research, I had many “aha moments” and ones where I learned something new. This research also helped me recognize the strength we possess and how none of it was our fault. As a result, I am free from any self-blame.