Trauma by Assault. Scarred for Life.

Every woman goes through some form of harassment. Whether it is being judged by what you’re wearing, receiving unwanted attention or comments, or even as far as someone touching you without consent. It's as if in all societies women are objects and therefore public property? I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly that gives people the impression to act like this. Although, I am convinced that every woman goes through something like this without her permission or invitation at least once in her life. And even if someone does give permission or invites another person for anything, when that someone says no or changes their mind, the other person should stop immediately. No means no, and silence doesn’t mean yes.

This goes both ways, for women and men. However, me being a woman and having experienced it myself and knowing other women that have as well, I will therefore only focus on sexual harassment and assault upon women.

But what happens when you go through such an experience? Even an inappropriate look or comment can make you feel insecure. It can feel as if you’ve been violated and that is the case actually. Most sexually assaulted or rape victims go through a series of emotional stress and trauma to the point of suffering from certain disorders.

In my case, I suffered from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and self-mutilation.

PTSD can occur at any age, even in childhood according to an article by The Royal College of Psychiatrists & The British Psychological Society, 2005. It’s mentioned that PTSD is a disorder that occurs when someone has been through one or more traumatic events. It’s also mentioned that PTSD is restricted to certain disturbing events but not traumatic events known in everyday language, which are referred to as divorce or losing your job. It states that “a traumatic stressor usually involves a perceived threat to life (either one’s own life or that of another person) or physical integrity, and intense fear, helplessness or horror. Other emotional responses of trauma survivors with PTSD include guilt, shame, intense anger or emotional numbing.” But it also states that “whether or not people develop PTSD depends on their subjective perception of the traumatic event as well as on the objective facts. Furthermore, those at risk of PTSD include not only those who are directly affected by a horrific event, but also witnesses, perpetrators and those who help PTSD sufferers (vicarious traumatization).”

It’s clear that it is not just “textbook” when it comes to people who might or might not suffer from PTSD.

According to the article, PTSD’s most common symptom is involuntarily re-experiencing the event. For instance by having vivid flashbacks or nightmares. But avoidance is also very common next to re-experiencing. The article further states that “hyperarousal includes hypervigilance for threat, exaggerated startle responses, irritability, difficulty in concentrating and sleep problems" and “many PTSD sufferers experience other associated symptoms, including emotional numbing, depression, generalized anxiety, shame, guilt and reduced libido, which contribute to their distress and affect their functioning.”

In my case, I suffered from many symptoms mentioned above. Such as re-experiencing through vivid flashbacks and nightmares, avoiding images, movies, certain words that resemble the event, and hyperarousal by having concentration and sleep problems and exaggerated startle responses. It was worse in the first few years after the event in 2007, but I still suffer from startle responses once a while. Which sometimes prompts people to say that I have a “bad” conscience, to which I sometimes reply that I might have a troubled past and that they don’t know my story. Obviously, I know that these are jokes most of the time, but knowing where my hyperarousal symptom comes from doesn’t sit well with me that this joke is so common. People who suffer from these kinds of symptoms go through a lot of emotional distress. Knowing that these symptoms are already a lot to deal with. It is a constant reminder of what happened in the past and it can be extremely exhausting. It is a mess, a mess that you aren’t responsible for but do have to live with the rest of your life. And the thought of this usually makes me furious.

Another thing that I suffered from, was performing nonsuicidal self-mutilation. This is when you physically hurt yourself to numb the psychological pain without the intention to put an end to your life.

Karen L. Suyemoto discusses in her article “THE FUNCTIONS OF SELF-MUTILATION” that there are different “functions” of self-harm and how it’s excluded from other self-harm occurrences. Indirect self-harm such as drinking and driving or on the other end, major self-harm or grave self-inflicted bodily harm such as eye enucleation or self-castration. This article presents interesting findings on this topic. She reviews six functional models of self-mutilation; Environmental, antisuicide, sexual, affect regulation, dissociation, and boundaries.

“Lisa: It’s like a relief. I do it every couple of weeks just to get a relief . . . from pressure

that builds up inside . . . [I] just, just feel that there’s a pressure building up inside of

you that you have to do something about. That you feel like you’re going to explode if

you don’t. And cutting is a way to release that. (Himber, 1994, p. 623)”

This statement is mentioned in the “Affect Regulation Models”, specifically for “Affect Regulation”.

“Patient: When Dr. D left I went through changes. I knew he was leaving. He told me about it a long time ago. But this cloud came over my head. I felt sick. I knew if I cut-up I would feel better. Doctor: How did you know you would feel better? Patient: When I go through changes and cut-up I feel better right away. Doctor: What do you mean by ‘changes’? Patient: You know—like I’m not there; like I’m not real. When I start to cut-up and see the blood and then when the cuts start to hurt, it ends. I’m back inside myself. (Miller & Bashkin, 1974, pp. 640–641)”

This statement is also mentioned in the “Affect Regulation Models”, but specifically for “Dissociation”.

While reading this article, I was astonished by how many different models there are. And I think that I suffered from both or an overlap of both versions in the “Affect Regulation Models”. Because whenever I would cut myself, it felt like a release for all the emotions that had built up. And the short period between seeing my blood and when the cut started to pain was when I felt at ease. As if all my problems left my mind as my blood was flowing out of my body. It was almost like an addiction, it probably was.

Sexual assault leaves traces behind, most likely permanent ones. Some can be seen by others while some can only be felt by one. PTSD was something I could only feel myself, while my self-mutilation can be seen by others to date. Both are scars and because of these events, we are scarred for life.