Assault. The Unwanted. The Uninvited.

I saw two trees. One trunk had a bulky shape, while the other one had sort of an hourglass shape. The tree with the hourglass-shaped trunk had long and low-hanging branches with lots of leaves. The other one had short spikes as branches and not as many leaves. It seemed that they were dancing together, a boy tree and a girl tree. They were slow dancing, like a couple in love, floating in the air. How is that even possible? What is happening? Where am I?

Slowly, I opened my eyes. It was dark, and there was only a tiny lamp in the corner of the room. My head hurt. I was dizzy and so tired. I looked at my left hand, and I saw a plastic tube sticking out of it. Then I remembered that I was in the hospital and that the tube was to give me sedatives.

I was on holiday with my mother. We were visiting some people, who were almost like family. I had gotten really ill during our stay. My fever was consistently high for a few days straight. I kept throwing up, couldn’t eat well, and I became fragile.

One evening, we were at our family friends’ house. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe anymore and had a stinging pain in my chest. It was already late in the evening, so we decided to go to the hospital. I couldn’t walk because I was too weak, so I had to be carried to the car, and we made our way to the hospital.

Once we were at the hospital, a doctor came and checked my temperature. My temperature at that moment was 105.7 degrees, and he wrote it down for us. My mom asked him how many Celsius degrees it was since we were not familiar with Fahrenheit degrees.

The hospital staff told us that it was 40.9 Celsius degrees. Therefore they advised us to admit me immediately. My mom and I were pretty afraid of the situation.

Luckily, she was allowed to stay the night in the same room, but there were still 3 or 4 meters between our beds. A nurse came, and he gave me antibiotics. He also inserted a plastic tube in my left hand to provide me with a sedative. Soon after, I felt relaxed as the sedative started working. I fell asleep a few moments later.

I heard a voice, and it sounded far away, but then I recognized my mother’s voice. She was trying to wake me up and then gave me some water to drink. The nurse came again, and he gave me a second injection of sedative. This time it hurt. I could feel the cold fluid entering my body. It felt like it forcefully entered my veins. Everything started moving, even though I was lying down. It felt like I was falling. Soon after, I fell asleep again. But the sedative was so strong that I was hallucinating or dreaming so vividly. Remember the dancing trees? Yes, that’s what they were.

Suddenly, I felt something, but I couldn’t register it. There was movement as if my body was moving without my knowledge, without my permission. I tried to open my eyes, but I was so weak. My mouth opened, but there was no sound, and there was no strength in my body. Everything felt so heavy, and I wasn’t able to move. Then I felt my top being moved up to my chin, and it was so cold. Something warm touched my belly. Something pushed my bra away, and I felt someone’s hands touching my breasts. Finally, I was able to open my eyes a little, and I couldn’t believe what I saw. It was the same nurse who gave me antibiotics and sedatives. And now he is touching my breasts, my nipples, squeezing them, and running his hands all over my body.

I wanted to scream, hit him, kick him, curse at him, and call for my mom. But when I looked over, she was sleeping on the other side of the room. Her back was facing us, so she couldn’t see us, but she was right there. I couldn’t defend myself, and I wasn’t able to move. I felt so disgusted. His hands were touching me everywhere while making vulgar sounds indicating that he was aroused. My brain couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I was just lying there while he had his way with me. Why? Why is this happening? Why can’t I move? Why can’t I even scream? Not one little sound? All those thoughts and feelings made me feel so weak and dirty.

I saw his face, smiling down at me. Then, I gathered all my strength, and I pushed away his hand from my chest. Somehow I was able to make a disapproving growling sound while pushing away his hands. Thankfully, my mom woke up, and she walked over to my bed. The nurse was fast enough to move back my bra and straighten my top. She asked him what he was doing, and he said that the doctor had instructed him to give me another sedative. Even though she found it a bit suspicious, she didn’t further question it. All my strength went into pushing away his hands and making that sound. Before I could try to say or do anything else, he gave me a sedative for the third time. It hurt so much—more than the last time. The fluid felt ice-cold, forcing its way through my veins. It was probably less than 10 seconds before I fell asleep again. The bastard came prepared.

“Sweetie, wake up. We can leave. You are discharged.”, my mom said while she was stroking my forehead. When I slowly opened my eyes, daylight hit me, but I was glad I wasn’t surrounded by darkness anymore. Still dizzy and weak, I asked, “Mom…. Wha… What, time… Is it?”. She looked at the clock and said it was 1 in the afternoon, which meant I had slept for almost 12 hours straight or at least 10 hours. Wow, that was some sedative. Wait, the sedative! The nurse! He… His hands… No, it was real! I could see from my mother’s facial expression that she saw that I was in distress. “Sweetie, what is it? Are you OK? Did something happen?”. The moment she said that I closed my eyes. I saw him again, smiling down at me. His hands were all over me. “Mom… The nurse... He…” I mumbled. My mother’s eyes went all big, and I saw the shock on her face. “What did he do? Tell me! I was suspicious last night when he came back for the third time,” she raised her voice. I started crying and said, “Mom… He touched my breasts. His hands were all over me, I couldn’t do anything. I was so weak, there was no strength in my body. I feel so dirty.” I saw tears falling down her face while I told her what had happened. In those few seconds, I saw so many emotions in her expression—anger, guilt, sorrow, disappointment, and helplessness.

She called our family friend and told him what had happened. Some of our family friends were there to pick us up. His expression turned into rage, and he left. He then came back with the doctor in charge and the nurse. The doctor asked me to explain what happened. The only thing I said was, “He came in the night… And then… He touched me here and…” I pointed at my breasts. And before I could finish my sentence, the doctor slapped him in the face. It was so hard that it echoed. It somehow startled me, and I started crying. My mom was crying as well, and she immediately embraced me. All our family friends, the doctor, and the other hospital staff started hitting and kicking the nurse. Almost as if we were in a movie, and it was a great feeling. These people, who were not my real family, beat a guy up for me because he hurt me. They dragged him to me. He grabbed my feet, and with a reflex, I pulled back my feet. He started apologizing while he was crying. My mom told him that what he did is unforgivable and that he should never lay a finger on anyone ever again. The doctor fired him on the spot.

My mom hugged me again. While crying, she said, “Sweetie, I am so sorry for not noticing. I had a suspicion, but I didn’t act on it. I should have known, and I should have done something. You were in the same room, and I couldn’t do anything for you. I am so sorry, my sweetheart. I am so sorry that you had to go through this again. You are so brave, and you are so strong, my daughter. I am here for you, whatever you need. Let’s go home.” I ensured my mom that she wasn’t at fault. I know she isn’t.

Years ago, I was sexually assaulted by a group of boys/men while walking home in my neighborhood around six pm. It was winter, so it was already dark by then. I couldn’t identify the perpetrators because they had pulled my cap down over my face. And unfortunately, there was no DNA found by the police.

But I couldn’t help but wonder why this had happened to me again. Was it me?

No, it wasn’t. Not this time nor the other times when I was younger. There is no one else to blame other than the perpetrators who did it. All of it was unwanted. Uninvited. And without a doubt, without consent.