Positivity, A Strength: My Mother Gave Me My Biggest Life Lesson.

Do you know that feeling of being lost? Don’t know where to go? Or how to continue? All those mixed feelings bottled up? Might it feel like your brain is going to explode? I have felt like this many times whenever I went through something that has changed my life “without my permission”.

When I was told my mother was terminally ill, I entered into a new and particular state of mind. I went through a lot of pain and anger, but mainly, I felt lost, hurt, and helpless. My mom was both a mother and a father to me, and she was my sister, my first and best friend ever. And then, some doctor told me that she was not going to make it? Who do I get mad at? Who do I blame? There was nothing that I could do to help her or save her and that feeling is indescribably painful.

I was told by the doctors that every day could be her last day. And that I should prepare myself for what’s coming. But how does one prepare themselves for something like that? I had no idea then, nor do I have the answer to that now because you cannot really prepare yourself for that. That I know for sure.

My mother was a strong woman and full of spirit. My mom told everyone that she had accepted her faith as this is what God had chosen for her. She tried to live every day to the fullest. She called people, she messaged them on WhatsApp. She made videos of herself and she took selfies. Everyone in the family cooked something that she liked and brought it to the hospital. She was the one that was calming us down every time there was a relapse, “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine!” she used to say.

The doctor had given her antibiotics on April 28th, 2014. He said it would take at least 48 hours for it to have some effect. Her answer to that was, “We can do this. Whatever happens, happens. Girl power!” My cousin and I laughed and looked at each other with the same thought, ‘Where does she get all this positive energy from?’ During those months in the hospital and after she had passed, several doctors told me that my mother’s spirit and energy were one of the biggest reasons she lived longer than they expected. They hadn’t met anyone like her before and the strength that she displayed was inspiring. Somehow that didn't surprise me, to be honest.

To this day, I cannot always fathom why things happened the way they happened and I miss her so much. It's just that the pain and anger are more in the background now.

I can tell you one thing though, my mother has taught me my biggest life lesson. There is a lot of power in yourself when you focus on the positive and believe in it. You will get a lot of courage and strength out of that. People who knew my mother, know what kind of a person she was. A warm person, with so much love to share and she appreciated the little things in life. People still remember her like that because of her unique personality.

We cannot control life, life happens the way it "wants" to happen. We can try to find the strength within ourselves and keep going. I truly believe that life is beautiful because you yourself make it beautiful with all the amazing things out there. She has given my husband and me her blessings to strive for happiness and build our life on our own terms. My memories with her and of her are one of the main reasons I kept going every day. She has made me believe in myself, more than ever before, as an individual, as a woman, and as a wife to stop at nothing. I am grateful for my mother and my husband because they are both unique and special. They have a lot of love to give. They understand me so well and they know me better than anyone else (sometimes even better than I know myself). Not to forget, my husband's support during all these years is why I did not break when I lost my mother.

I learned the hard way that life is short and that we tend to forget that we do not control time. After my mother passed away, it hit me hard and I tended to want to seize every moment. Pushing myself to honor her and not let grief get in the way. Soon, I had no choice but to stop and let myself grieve. Even griefing has its own learning curve. But now, years later, I see life differently. I am making choices to fulfill my own happiness. Not being afraid to let go of people who hurt me or don't appreciate me. Not holding back when I want to express my feelings. Investing my time in people who I care for and know that they do the same. Knowing that it is OK to choose my own happiness and doing things that I want to do. It has made me live life in a more carefree way and it is liberating. I feel more confident, have more self-respect, and love myself for who I am.

The journey of losing my mother, which is an unending one, has given me so much strength and a new perspective on life. She really did teach me that the little things in life can be of the biggest value. She taught me the strength of being positive. How to look at things to be happy. Kind of like the glass half full concept. This definitely does not mean that I don’t have ambitions or aspirations. The contrary, actually. I dream and I dream big, but I also believe that I am capable of making those dreams come true if I really want them to. And even when things don’t work out as I wanted to, I don’t get discouraged.

Life can be tough. We all have been through difficult times in our lives and there will probably be more. I don’t know when that will be and what it will be about, but I do know that I am strong enough to go through these difficult times. I know my strength and I know what I am capable of. This realization, knowing my own strength, gives me a lot of courage. It gives me the confidence that I will be able to handle anything that life throws at me. My mother introduced me to my inner self. It is like she gave me a mirror where I can see my strength, confidence, courage, and optimism. For me, this is very important because I trust myself and I believe in myself. And even while knowing that I am strong enough, I am also confident enough to ask for help when I need it.

There is no shame in asking for help. Sometimes things are bigger in our minds, and once we say it, it gets smaller. It gives me the sanity to share my pain and thoughts with my loved ones and people I trust.

To be strong, does not mean to have to do or go through everything on your own. It is knowing that you are strong enough but are rational with expectations. It is being confident in asking for help and knowing your limits. Because we all have our limits and it is of importance that we tell people that. That is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength because you are not afraid to show your inner self and your inner thoughts. And most importantly, it is to know yourself like no other and believe in yourself no matter what. To me, that is the strongest you can get.

Thank you, Mamaa. For introducing me to my strength, confidence, courage, power, and to myself.