Coping with Grief and Loss.

Losing my mother was one of the most challenging experiences in my life. The pain, helplessness doesn't even come close to what I had experienced in life up until then. Sometimes I even thought that I would go crazy and that I was losing my inner self. It took me a while to understand that there is no right or wrong when it comes to grief. No timetable or guide has a checklist or steps to follow.

Since I do not have any brothers or sisters, no one can relate to losing her as a mother. I can only talk about how I have felt, still feel, and deal with her passing. Many times when a parent passes, people tend to compare how children deal with it. Because even though children have lost the same parent, siblings usually deal with it differently. Because each child has a unique relationship with their parents, I think it is essential to understand different ways of coping with loss.

'Coping with loss' is a book by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema and Judith Larson, which offers fascinating insights about people dealing with grief. This book includes tests with 300 people who have lost a loved one to a terminal illness between 1 to 18 months. It contains several perspectives of people who have lost someone close to them, which is worth a read as it might help you understand how everyone copes differently.

“It is important to acknowledge the fact that their experiences will most likely not match that of people who have lost someone to accidents, homicide, natural disasters, or any other means.” These are entirely different situations, to which I have no prior experience and therefore will not include these in this post.

The book talks about the definition of grief and questions if there is such a thing as "normal" or "abnormal" grieving, what symptoms make up the grief syndrome, and more. To which they state that there are, surprisingly, no definitive answers. Many theorists have discussed the stage models of the grieving process, such as Bowlby, 1980; Glick, Weiss, & Parkes, 1974; Horowitz, 1976; Kubler-Ross, 1969; Pollock, 1987; Shuchter & Zisook, 1993. Comparing their theories combined in a table called “Stages of Grieving: Comparison of Theorists,” this article also briefly discusses their views independently. Readers can notice immediately is that none of their theories discuss timeframes. The theorists discuss several stages of grieving without mentioning when someone would or should enter a specific stage, which indicates that there is no right or wrong, when or how people cope with grief. It is different for every individual. I think it is safe to say that the stages are fluent and do not have to be in a single direction. From experience, I can say that I have gone back and forth between a phase or two, or at least have lingered in-between stages. In my case, currently, I would say that I am in ‘Phase IV.’ It has been more than seven years now, life does not yet feel normal to me, but I can say that I'm creating a new normal where I am finding myself.

‘The Myths of Coping with Loss’ is an article by Camille B. Wortman, The University of Michigan, and Roxane Cohen Silver, University of Waterloo. This article discusses how people have strong assumptions about how people should or would react to certain losses. It focuses on physical disability and grief because those are the areas they have studied and conducted research for the most. It states that people tend to assume how a coping process should unfold.

“Because it is generally assumed that the coping process unfolds in a particular way, others may evaluate or judge those who do not conform to these expectations as reacting abnormally or inappropriately. For example, because they believe that people should recover relatively soon after the loss, outsiders might react judgmentally to continuing signs of distress (cf. Silver &Wortman, 1980; Tail & Silver, 1989).”

Just within a few months after losing my mother, several people said to me that "life goes on and that it will be okay." Although people tend to say this as a consolation, many people dealing with loss, including myself, can agree that this is not (always) how it feels.

On the other hand, many people show little to no signs of grief at all. There are many assumptions about that as well. The article ‘The Myths of Coping with Loss’ mentions three negative attributions; one, someone is in denial; second, someone is emotionally too weak; and third, someone is unable to become attached to others.

“Raphael (1983) suggested that among those who do not show signs of grief, the preexisting relationship may have been 'purely narcissistic with little recognition of the real person who was lost.”

Many more examples of theorists have negative attributions when individuals do not show signs of grief or distress.

The article states, “Our analysis suggests that, in contrast to this view, there are at least three common patterns of adaptation to loss. Some individuals seem to go through the expected pattern, moving from high to low distress over time. But others appear not to show intense distress, either immediately after the loss or at subsequent intervals. Still, others seem to continue in a state of high distress for much longer than would be expected.”

After reading different articles and books, having seen other people deal with loss, and from my own experience, I have come to my conclusion. Every individual is different, as is every situation. For example, when siblings lose a parent, they each will deal with it differently. Why? Because many factors will determine a grieving process; Age, personal experiences, relationship, affection, attachment, other emotional and non-emotional factors, and the reason for someone’s demise.

Therefore, no one should ever feel that they have to behave or cope with losing a loved one in a certain way. As individuals, people can share their experiences and thoughts with others. Either to help others or to help themselves. Some communicate freely and openly about their emotions. They share their pain and distress. Whereas others might do the opposite, this does not mean that they care less, do not have feelings, or are not in pain.

What do you feel? What are your thoughts on this? Please comment and share this post.