Mourning. Finding a New Way to Live My Life.

Many years ago, my mom and I watched a movie while we sat on our couch in the living room. It was about two people who were from the same village. They fell in love. Unfortunately, the girl was blind. She lived alone with her mother, and her father had passed away when she was little. One day, the boy and the girl went to a fair. But they didn’t know that a man at the fair wanted to kill the boy. Someone informed the girl's mother about this, and she made her way to the fair. The man and his gang had found the couple, and he tried to shoot the boy. But it turned out that the man had shot the girl’s mother because she ran in front of her soon-to-be son-in-law to protect him. The boy immediately ran after the man to punish him, while the girl was left behind. Everyone else at the fair started running around after they heard the shot.

The girl was panicking as she was trying to find her partner. And then, she stumbled upon something on the ground. She sat down to feel what it was. Once she realized that it was her mother who had died, she started screaming and crying.

All of a sudden, my mother started crying. I embraced her. She put her head on my legs, and we cried together. My mother had just lost her mother. She was grieving. I could feel her pain. I could hear the frustration in her voice. Little did I know that back then, I could have never imagined what the pain, frustration, anger, and helplessness would feel like when I lost my mother. My first best friend, my first home, my mom.

“Here you go, miss. We offer our deepest condolences to you and your family in this time of sorrow.” With a simple nod and a slight smile, I greeted the lady and left. My husband and I walked towards our car while holding the urn with my mother’s ashes in my hands. “Are you doing okay?” my husband asked me while he opened the car door. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, “It’s so weird. Somehow it almost feels like I am bringing her home in my arms like she once brought me when I was born. Although, that was my first time, and this is her last time. As if the circle is complete now.” I couldn’t take it anymore and broke down in tears. I kept thinking, how will I deal with this? How can it just be over? I will never see her again. I won’t be able to ask a simple question or call her to hear her voice.

I would cry every day without any specific trigger. I couldn’t sleep well. For months, I was having the same nightmare over and over again. Every night after the day that I’d lost my mother, I dreamt of losing her again. Seeing her on the hospital bed, breathing her last breath, and there was nothing I could do—just watching her fade away. I would wake up screaming or crying. The pain was unbearable. And I used to be afraid to go to sleep because I knew that I would see her die over and over again. It was exhausting. This whole experience was emotionally scarring. I wasn’t able to be happy from the inside. No one could have ever prepared me for the pain I was feeling.

I remember the day of her funeral. I had a severe fever and an ear infection. But I couldn’t be bothered with that because I had responsibilities. I was focused entirely on saying my goodbyes to my mother. But once everyone had said their goodbyes, it was time to go to the furnace room. It was so hot inside after the undertaker had opened the door of the furnace. My husband and my family had to hold me because they knew it would be difficult for me to let her go. Before he pushed on a button, the undertaker prepared us, making the funerary box slide into the furnace. Once the door was closed, I collapsed on the ground and broke down in tears. There are no words to describe what I felt at that moment. It is tough to see everything happen, knowing that there is no going back. Not now nor ever. That was the last day that I saw my mother. The sight of the funerary box going inside, knowing what would happen to my mother’s body, has haunted me for many years, and it still does. It is a traumatic experience for me.

There were days when I felt better, thinking that I had accepted her passing. But there were also many days when I couldn’t accept that she is not amongst us anymore. It was too early. It was not fair because we had already been through so much pain. And now was the time to live a happy life finally. Somehow I thought that our life would be better after I got married. Now was my chance to give her all the love and happiness she deserved. There were so many things I wanted to do with my mother. It made me furious. But who should I be angry with then? There is no one to blame. To be honest, sometimes that made it worse because I wasn’t able to direct my anger or frustration at anyone. But then again, it always is too early and unfair, isn’t it?

It didn’t take me a long time to realize that I had to find a new way of living. Once you lose someone who has significant importance in your life, there will be too many things that are not possible anymore. So many things have changed permanently, and no one prepares you for that. Unfortunately, I didn’t read about it anywhere back then. There was enough about mourning and grieving. However, there wasn’t anything that I read that mentioned that I would live a new life, a different life.

From when I was born until I got married, the city I lived in became a city that I didn’t regularly visit. The house that I had lived in until I got married had other people living in it now. Whenever my husband and I drove past it, I used to try and look inside. Sometimes the lights were on, and it was an undeniably painful feeling when I realized it wasn’t my mother who was at home, but some strangers that were now living there. In our house, in my childhood home, where there are so many memories. I couldn't text or call my mother for help anymore when trying out a new recipe or a dish from our cuisine. These are the little things we are used to and don’t think about ever. They are a part of who we are, what makes our life our own, which is why those hurt the most because they are so unexpected. But definitely, I have missed my mother’s presence and blessings with milestones just as well. For example, when I graduated and got my Bachelor’s degree or when I started my career. Or maybe one day when I might be pregnant and have my first child. You think you can fully prepare yourself for these moments, but you really can’t. You know that you will miss them terribly and that it will always be like that. No matter whether something good or difficult happens in your life. Because you want to share it with them, but it is not a possibility anymore. My mother used to say to me, never say never. But mom, you didn’t tell me that I would never be able to see you again, hear you again, laugh with you again or hug you again. It hurts so much. There is a void, which cannot be filled but only by you. That pain makes me feel so empty. It leaves me wondering who I am and where I came from. It takes a lot of time and effort to step away from those feelings.

Everything changed for me when I saw my mother pass away. Suddenly, I was without parents, and even though my father is alive, I feel like an orphan. My mother has raised me, taught me how to be a good person. She was there for me no matter what. Unconditional love indeed does exist. Even when I thought that I didn’t need her, she was there. There have been many moments in life when I hurt her. I was a troubled teenager who rebelled against our culture, traditions, and my mother's upbringing. Too often where I was mean to her or talked to her disrespectfully and took her for granted. I was drowning in these thoughts because I kept focusing on all the negative feelings. It is easy to focus on these feelings, right. Punishing myself, thinking that if I could go back, I would have done things differently. Yes, if I could go back and do things differently, I would. Wouldn’t we all?

It took me a long time to see all the good things I did for her. Something that made her happy and proud. I sometimes forget that I did apologize for my behavior and mistakes. She always told me that I recognized it and acknowledged hurting her was already a big step and gesture. I tried to make up for things, or I would go the extra mile to make her happy. Coming up with original ideas or presents that would make her genuinely happy. For her, there was no more significant way to show that I love her and appreciate her.

And most importantly, we had a special bond together besides being mother and daughter. That is something that I cherish deeply, and it will always be mine to keep forever.