Two Sides of a Coin. Haunted or Thrive.

Contrary to what many believe, time is not a healer. The first year, I was trying so hard to keep my mother’s memory alive, for instance, by involving her past existence in any way when I’d do something meaningful. Sometimes I forced myself to keep thinking about her throughout the whole day and felt guilty if I forgot about her the past hour or so. I would think to myself, if I don’t think about her or miss her every minute of the day, I’ll forget about her, or others will. I felt that I betrayed her by thinking about something else. It is my responsibility to keep her memory alive, represent her, and keep making her proud. I would validate my accomplishments by thinking that I would make her happy or proud. This way, I’ll always be a good daughter and loyal to her and her love.

But as the years went by, I had to try harder to keep her memories alive. I reasoned that I was doing it for her, to make her proud and be a good daughter. But there is a big hole, and no one or nothing will ever fill that void. No matter how hard I’d try, it would never be enough because it never can be. Only she, only my mother, can fill that void for me. I was chasing happiness in things or other people or forcing myself to be happy. But how do you do that when you’re in pain? Why am I forcing myself to be happy or to keep someone else happy? Because I was trying too hard, I felt like a failure over and over again.

I was 21 years when I lost my mother and I feel like an orphan. And to a certain extent, I am because my father has no place in my life. The family that I was born into is no more. I am the only one left, and I can't share any memories of that family with them. Almost everyone around me still had their parents or has siblings. There were so many times that I felt jealous, and I would be mad at myself for feeling that way. It took me a long time to forgive myself and understand that I am only human. There is no shame in feeling that way, and there shouldn't be.

In the beginning, it felt impossible for me to go on. How could I continue living without my mother? Why should I? Even though I showed the world that I could, that was also to show that my mother’s daughter is as strong as her mother. I didn’t want to disappoint my mother and tarnish her legacy, as some would refer to me. There was so much pressure, and it was a big responsibility. The feeling of wanting to protect her, feeling the responsibility to fight for her and shield her from any pain in the world, has always been there. But there are also many times when I feel like a child again. In need of her love, her embrace, her support, and to make me feel safe again. I sometimes still need those things, and this will never go away. I also overthink or overanalyze things. I fear my death, be it premature or not. I’m afraid of further losses, sometimes fixating on the fact that it can happen any day. I want to do and achieve so much in little time because I fear running out of time. So yes, to an extent, I am haunted by trauma.

People say, "it’s not impossible, but it just hasn’t been done yet.". And I genuinely believe, in fact, I know that in my case, it’s reality. Because as time passed, I am able to live life on my own and be proud of my achievements. I make choices that will genuinely make me happy or take risks and the responsibility for them. I am honest with myself. I can dig into myself and ask challenging questions. And no, this is not easy, nor will it ever be. People would say that I was strong and brave, but I had no other option. At least, that’s how it felt. But I was, and I did have a choice to some extent. Because I could have also let myself drown in all the negative thoughts and dwell on negative feelings, but I chose not to. I could have felt sorry for myself and given up. I might not have realized it then, but I didn’t let myself give up or succumb to all the pain and anger.

It will be challenging at first because it feels impossible. But once you embrace that you can make choices, it becomes a part of yourself to live this way. And I am not saying that this will ever become easy, but that power resides within ourselves. Because obviously, this loss has negatively impacted me as well. I have become oversensitive, and I cry more than I used to, or I can be overemotional. So, I am not saying that you always have to be strong and force yourself to be happy because that will never work. But knowing that you can be strong is power itself.

Some things will never cease to exist, and that is guilt. My mother had a difficult life, and I was, without a doubt, not an easy child to deal with. When I got married, it was her time to live her life and find herself again. But she never got to. There are so many things that she had to do and explore. So many things that we would have done together. She worked so damn hard to give me everything that I needed, but she never saw the fruits of her labor. She didn’t see me graduate from university or get my first job. My mother loved children, anyone’s children. She showered her nieces and nephews with so much love and, later on, their children as well. She had so much love to give that it was never-ending. And to think that she won’t ever be able to shower her grandchildren with love is unbearable. It is unfair, it makes me sad, but it also makes me feel guilty.

And somehow, even with all these mixed feelings floating around, I feel happy with where I am today. I can’t fathom what happened, nor do I think that I ever will, but I choose to accept that it did happen. I relieved myself of that burden when I did that. Yes, I feel angry and hurt, among many other emotions, and I am allowed to feel that way whenever I do. However, I can give myself a choice when I want to look at things differently. Giving myself an option to be happy, do what makes me happy, and smile when I want to. But also by giving myself the space to feel otherwise.

And most importantly, I am not beating myself up anymore about feeling guilty or angry. Life feels different because it is, but I choose to live it as I want to. And no, you can’t have a choice or have a say in everything.

My mother would want nothing less than for me to be myself and be happy. My mother gave me my life, and she taught me how to live. And the best way to honor her, make her proud is by exactly doing what she taught me to do—being true to myself. Stand up after I fall and thrive.