Embrace the Experience: I Am Me Because of My Journey.

I genuinely believe this statement with all my being. My experiences, the good and the bad, have taught me so much. It’s incredible how much I grow, mentally, every time after an experience that has a significant impact on me.

My challenges and traumas made me into the person I am today and will be tomorrow. I don’t let them define me because I am a survivor and not a victim, but they are certainly a part of me. I have, in the past, when I took on a victim role. It is difficult not to let your challenges and traumas define you because it has a steep learning curve, but it's not impossible. I have felt sorry for myself and probably will from time to time, but that is human nature. However, I won’t let it dominate my feelings and actions anymore.

When I look back on all that I have been through so far, I am surprised and thankful. Thankful because it has brought me good things too, which might be hard to imagine. Surprised because I am still a positive thinking person, and I am still hungry for life and its adventures. I would not want to undo all of my past. Yes, I would have wanted things to happen differently or at a later stage in life,

but I can’t control that. I rather channel my energy on things that I can do, such as motivating myself to do better and strive for happiness and growth.

Let me break it down one by one and share one positive outcome;

• Abuse. A young witness. It showed me the importance of choosing yourself. My mother's strength when she decided to end her marriage was going against traditions and social structures from our culture. Even though it was the year 2000, divorce was still considered taboo in Indo-Surinamese and Indian culture. People would think my mother failed at keeping her marriage alive. Instead of that, she chose for her life, literally, and her daughter’s. She showed me that it is not selfish to choose yourself and that old and useless traditions and beliefs shouldn’t bind us.

• Assault. The unwanted. The uninvited. It showed me the importance of knowing that you’re not to blame. Why is it that the person who was raped or assaulted is somehow to blame? When it happened to me in 2010, while I was more than less unconscious, why did I feel dirty or at fault? Why was I ashamed to tell my mother? But my mother’s reaction helped me understand that I wasn’t at fault and that she wasn’t mad at me or something. She hugged and showered me with love when I needed it the most. And when the others hit and kicked him, I felt certain confidence rising.

• Dealing with my mother’s illness and then losing her. These have multiple vital lessons, but I’ll name two—one, the strength we possess when we channel all our energy towards positivity. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer in the last stage, she was told, in other words, that she could die any day now. Instead of crying all day, feeling lost, giving up, she gave her all and used her last days to live. The doctors said that she extended her own life because of her hunger to live a few days more—two, the importance of our journey and not so much our destination. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow. But we can enjoy ourselves now, live in the moment, say what we want to say, do what we want to do with whoever we wish to or not. Appreciate what you do have rather than what you could have. Live life to the fullest, don’t worry how long life will be, make it as big as you want.

• Psychosis. The power of imagination. It showed me the importance of trust and loyalty. I went through severe trauma after losing my mother, resulting in psychotic episodes. My husband showed immense strength and understanding when supporting me throughout my psychosis. He didn’t doubt my sanity or capabilities, but only trusted his instincts on what to do and my strength to be able to recover. He didn’t tell anyone because he knew that I wouldn’t want that nor that it would help in any way, which showed true loyalty and honesty towards me and our bond. We had each other, and that’s all we needed.

• Physical loss. Mental trauma. Dealing with insecurity to a level of self-disgust was incredibly difficult. It showed me the importance of self-worth. Because of these thoughts, I understood how much we influence how we see things. No one surrounding me had given me that feeling. It was me who gave me that feeling. Therefore I chose to think differently and look at my inner beauty and not defined by how many fingers, toes, or limbs I have. And I was able to look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman. Her eyes, her hair, her smile, her loving nature, her ambitions, her drive, her dreams, her loved ones, and all of it was me. I am happy and proud of myself. And I know this is easier said than done, but not impossible.

So yes, I have learned many things from the negatives in my life. I have learned to turn it into or focus on positivity. And yes, I still struggle with challenges and traumas, without a doubt. I am a human being, and of course, I go back to those negative thoughts. There wouldn’t be light without darkness, or at least we wouldn’t know it as light. It takes a lot of strength and power to find the light within the dark. And when we do, we outshine all of it.

Take the metaphor “the grass is greener on the other side,” for instance. What does it mean? That the life of others might look better or happier. But while you’re looking at the grass of others, you’re neglecting your own, and it dries out, or it dies. The only way to keep your grass green is to water it. And you can make it more beautiful by planting plants, flowers, trees, and other things. Before you know it, you’ll have such a beautiful garden that you’ll forget to look at those of others. And when you do, you’ll get inspired to add or change something in your garden. Water is the energy you put into things to keep them going and help them grow. The plants, flowers, trees are your ambitions, motivation, achievements. Looking over at someone else’s garden once in a while is learning from others and getting inspired. There is no harm in looking at what’s happening in the lives of others, but never neglect yourself in the process. THRIVE.

I have had many breakthroughs in the past years because of conversations with my husband or psychologist, and while writing my blog and doing research for it, I'm digging deeper. I learned things that I didn’t know or some things that I chose to ignore or almost forgot about. I learned a lot, but I didn’t realize how much of an impact it had, especially now that I am going through this self-exploration.

It is why I choose to start writing a blog. It may not work for everybody the way I do it, but anyone can get essential insights by participating in self-study. It can give you the right mindset or tools to help you and reach a transcendence state. To me, it’s getting to the core of my being and gaining a greater level of self-appreciation and understanding.